The issue of control

[Gathoni Kamau]

Right when I was first diagnosed I remember my endo kept telling me 'you must control your sugars' You must be in control of yourself' everywhere I looked there was this word 'control'. Everytime diabetes came up control was like its ugly twin sister. I have spent so much time trying to find this 'control' that my endo kept talking about. 9 years later I was exhausted. In my pursuit of control I had completely lost my mind. I had somehow thought that I could control my diabetes and tell it when to behave, what my readings should be, slow down complications. By the begining of last year I was fed up and confused. I was confused because I had been told that if I behaved myself, I would be able to control my diabetes. So I was so angry with myself because obviously I must not have been behaving myself because there wasn't even a semblance of control everytime I got my A1c's.That day it was at 13. I was eating well, working out, taking my shots trying to keep out of hospital ( I hate the way they smell) and trouble Finally after leaving my endo's office after being given an earfull I changed Doctors. So I found him. The greatest Doctor. He was also a type 1, young, and pumping. It took him a year to convince me to pump and I begun. But before we could begin pumping I needed to understand one fundamental fact, 'control the controllables'....suddenly a light bulb went off in my head. It was never an issue of control rather one of management (I know I know! Am awesome at word play). I could manage what I ate, try manage my weight, the only control I had was that I could choose how I reacted to stuff. I could laugh at the craziness, or cry about it. I had no control, contrary to belief I did not control whether the sun came up or went down, I did not control what my body decided to do. One day my readings would be great and I would post them on my fridge then the next day they were all over the place, mind you nothing drastic had happened between the sun rising and setting the day previously. I was humbled. Ok I was gutted. It really sucked that I felt so not in control. But atleast i had given up control for management. Somehow I realised that my A1c's were not a reflection of me as a person, it did not reflect that because they were high I was somehow not behaving or was a bad person who skinned puppies for fun. So I let that stuff go and I learnt to control the controllables....(thanks Dr. G for saving me years of therapy..am sure my insurance company wouldn't cover it anyway so i would have just remained crazy. Disclaimer...the craziness never goes away...)